TIP #7 FOR BECOMING A GUILT FREE PARENT:

This blog is brought to you by the letter V - for vomit

There are many things I do not like in this world. Peas, raw onions, and Donald Trump just to name a few. But my hatred for vomit is indescribable. And being around small children is sure to bring up (pun intended) some issues around vomiting. I think the mess is what makes me hate it – not the smell. I have always been a kid who liked to be clean. Getting dirty wasn’t something I loved at all. I have noticed that our oldest child is similar.  She hates to have dirt on her hands and I might be responsible for passing that wonderful trait to her. (Sleeping genes didn’t get passed down but my cleanliness did – I clearly wasn’t consulted on that one!) I feel like vomit just gets everywhere; you have to do laundry, clean up floors, and you never know what parts you actually missed when cleaning up. And a kid has no sense of that burning in the back of your throat and the face sweating that generally proceeds a vomit session. They just let it go wherever they are and it freaks me out to have to clean it up and wash clothes and the rest of the stuff that comes with it. Forever unclean! 

Just after our second kid was born, my wife decided she wanted a new couch and new carpets. Both fabric in nature… unlike the easy to clean leather couches we used to have. I said “well maybe with the dog and kids we should wait” but we went ahead (My opinion is listened to but rarely influences much. And I do like to make her happy). And as if the vomit gods Puka and Ohno knew that we put in new carpets, our youngest decided it was time to test dad’s nerves and the stain resistance of said carpets. Cue the long period of vomiting. Crying until she puked, eating until she puked, coughing until she puked, and so on. I once put towels on the carpet from crib to rocking chair and rocking chair to bathroom to protect our new investment. We got so used to bringing up the steam cleaner that I just left it plugged in and turned on. At one point we went out to a restaurant for supper and forgot to tell the sitter about her puking habits and she called in a panic saying that she puked all over the carpet. We just said “just use a rag and we will be home after dessert”. Poor sitter – she might be due for a raise.

Then there was a time when our oldest decided that vacations start with the letter V so maybe we should include vomiting too. Didn’t matter where we were going, there was always some form of vomit - car seats full of puke, car mats, bedsheets, campers, ground, airports...oh the places she went. Our worst trip was to the US. The night before we departed we were at a hotel and at 4am she complained of belly pain and vomited a little. Then we decided to keep going to the airport because maybe it will pass. She kept puking. We landed and she puked in the car. We got to the hotel and she puked.  We spent the next couple days with her puking and missing our day trips. We took her to the hospital where they gave her pills for chemo patients (they don’t sell Gravol in the US!) but that didn’t seem to settle it. Another ER trip with no results.  We headed back home while she continued to vomit, and then Canadian Customs wouldn’t let me go ahead to get the car on my own. She puked in the car multiple times with more trips to the ER in the city where they finally gave us some relief (they also suggested Gravol – as if I wasn’t looking for that on the black market in the US). This was the worst trip of my life. Some people said you will look back and laugh and I had to drop kick them. A piece of advice – don’t say that to anyone who is describing a hellish vacation or experience. Another time we were on our way back from a trip and she puked at the security gate, but we continued on because vomit is now our new normal and when we arrived at our destination airport, I had to shovel out our car while my wife had a sick kid, a baby, and all the bags. Apparently Shaun Majumder helped her with the bags – Thanks Shaun for proving you are a better man than I.

My wife handles puke a little better but anyone does in comparison to me really. At one point she said to me “you need to relax. Puke is just puke”. I said “This is me actually relaxed. If you knew what was happening in my brain and gut, you would have me committed.” And maybe mothers come hard-wired with a better sense of vomit reaction control. A friend of a friend said she was lying down with her sick kid in bed face-to-face and yeah you can probably guess what comes next – a shared mouth vomit experience. I am convinced that it would have been the end of me right then and there.  There is no coming back from that. But clearly she is still around telling the story. I can barely type the story let alone share it orally (no pun intended). Another father recently posted about his experience dealing with a puking kid in the car and he was texting his wife throughout and the cops showed up and it clearly was a nightmare. Click here for the story to open in a new window.
And don’t get me started on the dog. Her puke is awful and she deliberately finds the carpet and rugs rather than the hardwood floors. It is like she is trying to ensure that I go out of my mind and become hospitalized so she can claim the number 4 spot.

My tips – keep gravol in all coat and pants pockets, park in the shelters at airports, buy lots of travel insurance, forget travelling altogether to the US for a few years (it encourages terrible travel experiences - click here for another blogger's post), wear plastic ponchos, and don’t put in new carpets. And for me – take more Ativan. 

*This blog was not sponsored in any way by Gravol , Canadian Customs, or the United States tourism industry. Share your stories below about kids and vomit. Join me in solidarity.