TIP #6 FOR BECOMING A GUILT FREE PARENT: 

Prep your stink-eye for the constant advice givers

People love to give advice when you talk about your struggles as a parent. Sometimes you might be looking for some advice to put on your “try everything” list but sometimes you just need a space to vent about your problems.  Like when you just shout to the world or talk to the tree in your yard, or the imaginary elephant that appears at 2am when you are being woken up yet again. (His name is Elijah. He wears a onesie and likes to sing Disney songs. We have become good friends.) While people are ultimately trying to be helpful, they somehow believe that they are now the “baby whisperer". The only thing I can tell you to do to these helpful people is to smile and say “sounds like a good idea”. You probably already tried their idea or are not going to try it but don’t bother stretching out this conversation. Even though my last tip said try everything, it doesn’t always mean following everyone’s advice. Follow your own instincts.  I read somewhere that to shut people up about their advice just say “I will bring that up with my doctor the next time I see him/her”. People tend to stop providing their input after that because they know a doctor wouldn’t listen to them either.  

I also don’t want to sound like an a’hole here and say that everyone is providing terrible advice. I am just saying to take advice with some grain of salt. You sometimes just want someone to listen to you and actually talk back. Elijah, for example, is a terrible listener. He just likes to sing Frozen songs all night and steal my wine. A lady once told me to put my kid on a dryer and run the dryer on a full cycle and it put that baby to sleep like a charm. I am glad that worked for her but I have no intention of leaving my kid up on a fire hazard machine that bounces around like crazy, and jack up my electric bill. And what would I do? Just sit on the floor?  Watch the dryer go round and round while it creates a soothing sound that will put me to sleep too?  Oh now it makes sense.

The best advice though is from the old ladies who back in the day had no power and 27 children and things worked wonders for them – well first off they are liars, they don’t remember the first year (or probably many afterwards), and they had 27 kids who likely helped light the candles anyway. And who really wants advice from someone who had that many children – I have some advice for them – try contraception.  I can barely get through two children. I can’t trust someone who clearly got on the crazy train a long time ago. Toot toot.

Try everything but sometimes be rational and instead of saying “your advice stinks”, just smile and talk to Elijah in the morning.