TIP #10 FOR BECOMING A GUILT FREE PARENT:
Take an Anger Management Class
(Just to deal with Cartoon Characters)

You will have so much hatred for some tv characters as a parent of small children because you will be watching ridiculous tv shows constantly just so you can have a hot coffee or a shower or a peaceful bathroom #2. As a kid, I only had a limited selection shows to watch (remember Inspector Gadget, Teddy Ruxpin, Care Bears, or Astroboy?) and I had to watch them when they came on the tv. I would even be running to the bus stop because Gadget didn’t finish until 8 and the bus came at 8:02. I didn’t even get to choose which particular episode I wanted. My children have such an array of tv shows – a channel dedicated to children’s shows (“You’re Watching Treehouse” jingle plays in my head all day long) and Netflix which allows them to choose whatever they want. “Dad, I don’t want this one, I want the Easter Egg Hunt one”….on demand generation! I am not sure if my TV shows were really as terrible as the ones created now. I could be biased because Inspector Gadget was pretty awesome but some of the TV shows my kids watch (or want to watch) make me want to gouge out my eyes and send murderous letters to the producers/creators. I have created a list of my pet peeves of certain tv shows. You might have many as well and I would love to hear them.

1) Why the $%*& is Calliou bald? – I just don’t understand this. I can’t decide if I am supposed to feel bad for him because he has no hair or if he really is a sick kid and that is why his parents give in to him all the time or if the artists were just lazy and didn’t want to draw hair. Clearly they are a little lazy because the edges of the frames are never drawn in (just clouds and wisps) and they only have access to blue, green, and red crayons for the actual cartoon. Calliou drives me mad on a regular basis anyway but his baldness really gets my goat.

2) Why is Dora so loud? – I will admit, I do not have a lot of Spanish friends but I doubt that Dora’s volume is somehow representative of that language. She also asks random questions to the audience and stares awkwardly at you waiting for you to respond and you answer her (because you are a sucker). And the fact that she asks your kids to repeat and say things “louder” each time is so frustrating. On weekends, my wife and I take turn on who wakes up with the kids so one of us can sleep in. On my sleep in day, it never fails, I am usually awoken to what I think is “DAD” so I jump out of bed  to run out only to find, my child is screaming “MAP”, louder and louder because somehow the creators of Dora thought that every parent wants a loud kid. Dora speaks in exclamation marks and progresses regularly to all caps. Shut up Dora- STFU.

3) What the hell happened to Max and Ruby’s parents? – This one has caused me to stay awake at night. Why are two small bunnies left home with a random pop by visit from grandma? No wonder Max is such an awful kid – he has a 8 year old taking care of him all the time. I have a theory that the parents were selling crack to fund Ruby’s Bunny Scout fees and now are in jail. Or Ruby is actually a teenage parent and everyone in town is hush hush about it and pretends they are just siblings. Some news though is that this season’s premiere of Max and Ruby reveals something about the parents. I have it set on DVR to record and am buying a bottle of wine for this premiere. Move over Homeland, Daddy has got some Max and Ruby to watch.

4) Why do some animals talk on shows and others can’t? – There are so many shows that violate this basic premise. In Paw Patrol, dogs can speak and not cats (I know one could argue that dogs are smarter than cats but in Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Pluto can’t but Goofy can). Dora has talking squirrels, cows, monkeys, lizards, and unicorns but not dogs. Who decides which animals can talk and which can’t?

5)  Were some creators just on crack when they created shows? - Teletubbies was probably the start of this trend. Seriously though, where does someone come up with these ideas and then somehow get funded to do it? Peppa Pig is probably the worse drawn shown ever, Barney was created by a guy who was on a serious high  (a purple singing dinosaur?!), Lala Loopsy freaks me out (check out their pupils), Four Square gives me nightmares (people dressed in spandex clothing dancing around) , and Yo Gabba Gabba is literally the worst show ever (creepy creatures and a weird orange DJ guy and drug induced dancey dance scenes - I can't even).

I have so many other shows that cause me concern but I can’t keep typing because my blood pressure rises and my keyboard can’t take the abuse from hitting the keys so hard. Like why can the Bubble Guppies light fires under the water?…..it just doesn’t make sense! I wish Netflix allowed you to block certain shows or create some playlist or something. I support the use of technology to help raise my kids but I am not sure I can deal with the ridiculous tv. I hope you have come up with a method to get your kids to only watch Inspector Gadget and Care Bears but I have not found the solution (other than real parenting to limit watching – yes yes I know). And if your anger for these shows seeps into your work world or some parenting moments that you know you could have done better, remember it isn't your fault - blame it on Dora.

Until next time my friends. You’re watching Treehouse…dammit.

PS – Stupid Calliou.