TIP #3 FOR BECOMING A GUILT FREE PARENT: 

Parents are liars when it comes to their kids

Those people who tell you that their kid came home from the hospital sleeping and slept every night thereafter are liars. They deserved to be high fived mind you (in the face…..with a chair). No one has that kind of success. I believe that they somehow convinced themselves of this or have forgotten it after years of sleep deprivation – which is a form of actual torture. Don’t believe anything parents tell you about the wonderfulness they had. Take everything with a grain of salt. That kind of magic or luck does not exist with children. If for some reason, you know it to be true, then you should no longer be their friend.

A friend of ours had a kid that seemed to sleep constantly. They would come over and bring the baby and we would play cards and the baby would sleep for a few hours (in a carrier). I became really resentful of them and their kid and it would ruin my card game which only pissed me off even more. Now what I don’t know is maybe this was just the regular nap time or that they went home and the baby was up all night – they wouldn’t tell us because people are liars and they knew I would probably high five them (see above). We are still friends with them but only because I pretend they have it bad at home and I accepted that they are liars (and they have way too much dirt on me to piss them off).

Once at a party I was talking to a new parent and asked how things were going. He said it was going well and that their 4 month old was sleeping through the night. I felt my blood pressure rise – why is this kid sleeping through the night already and I have a 9 month old who has no idea what sleep is and how to make it past four hours.  I was about to stand up to pick up my chair to high five him but I am not built for jail so I unfortunately have to lead a good life. So I decided to seek some clarification instead. I asked him about what kind of drugs they are using because clearly it can’t happen without that. He proceeded to tell me that they usually put her to bed at midnight and she sleeps until 4am. Now maybe you have the same look I had on my face – HUH?! That is not sleeping through the night.  In no book anywhere is that considered through the night. Then I thought – oh! He needs to say this to make himself feel better and make him look like a good parent, according to all the books. He only told me the truth because I kept prodding. Liars – they are everywhere. Put on your detective hat and get out your blinding spot lights and start interrogating. Sooner or later they will break and then you can unfriend them on Facebook - the cruelest type of punishment you likely can dish out when you are exhausted but it will still feel amazing. Let's do an evil laugh together.   

TIP #2 FOR BECOMING A GUILT FREE PARENT:

Anything learned can be unlearned (is that at word?)

I realized this after we had our second child. You see my brain wasn’t working for a least 3 years after our first child so I was unable to rationalize much in the beginning. I was stressing - which if you knew me that wouldn’t be a shocker- about whether or not to give our second child a soother. My wife and I talked it over, went back and forth, and read many parenting books to figure out what “expert” had the best advice we needed to hear. Then I reminded myself that we were able to get rid of the soother from our first child after her having it for two years and it only took a few days. One night was horrible and the others became better only in relation to the first.  My wife actually left the house while I was stuck in the room with our screaming daughter on the first night (She can't stand being the bad cop). I could only think that somehow this kid is going to hate me for life because of this. She will be in front a therapist talking about how she is always scared that things will be taken away from her and the therapist will say “did your father ever take away your soother?” and a breakthrough will happen and I will be labeled  as “jerk”.  Meanwhile her mother was nowhere to be seen and can remind her kids that she wasn’t even around when the traumatic life event happened and she gets to keep the good cop uniform. She did show up a couple hours later smelling of Tim Horton’s coffee and a little hint of gloatnut (that is donut and gloating combined if you were wondering).

Sure, I know that we as parents caused the problem, rushing in the room as soon as we heard the soother drop out of her mouth.   I may have walked around with the monitor up to my ear for months and have a slight hearing problem in my left ear. But the point is she stopped using it. I still wake up though at 2am hearing the faint sound of a soother drop somewhere in the world, which is followed by the sigh and shuffle of a tired parent.  We don’t get to choose our superpowers and I don't look good in red spandex pants.

My point is, there are no 16 year olds still using a soother or needing to be rocked to sleep. Somehow we break the bad habits we caused these children. Our first child turned out to be a wonderful kid, so I know that I did something right – at least so far because she is too young for therapy sessions. The tip to remember is to know you will have some bad times breaking habits. But the other side of the coin is that you may have gotten some relief from by using some coping mechanism that some book told you that you shouldn’t.  Just be sure you are the parent who gets to go to Tim’s instead. 

TIP #1 FOR BECOMING A GUILT FREE PARENT:

If it is not life threatening or morally wrong - then proceed

This was told to me by a public health nurse once and I have never forgotten it. My wife and I were worried that our daughter had been sleeping in the car seat carrier for many hours and seemed comfortable, yet she was not in her crib where she was supposed to be. This was of course according to the schedule I had laid out from one too many parenting books. The nurses’ point was that you need to do what you have to, to survive. From that point forward, I became less concerned about what I did unless it was somehow really wrong and going to jail might be considered a consequence. I am not built for jail so I know I have to stay on the good path. 

A colleague of mine at work told me stories about he would bring his child home from the car in the carrier, then put the carrier in the crib, and then go do whatever it was they needed to do. Then when the baby cried, he would put the handle up on the carrier, and then swing the baby back and forth until she fell asleep and then put the carrier back in the crib. The kid is fine now – no major back surgery. The muscles on the one arm of my co-worker though is fairly massive and he looks like both versions of Popeye. And least his process led to some physical exercise– something that does go missing when kids arrive!

Another parent was talking to me about sleep issues and about what to try or not to try. She quietly asked me if I have considered “other things” to help her sleep. Well I was very interested in this now. I felt like I was getting into some black market products. She then looked around to see if anyone was listening and said “I gave my kids so much Tylenol it was like a fifth food group.”   I will never forget this. The level of embarrassment by her and epiphany by me. I immediately went to the pharmacy and thought that a little bit of coaxing with medication isn’t that bad. Turns out though our daughter was one of those kids that the medication worked the opposite way. She would start screaming an hour later and her pupils would go all big and black and you couldn’t touch her. She might have been having a “bad trip”(Could be a good news for those teenage years when she wants to experiment). So we then moved on to Advil. So far so good.