TIP #3 FOR BECOMING A GUILT FREE PARENT: 

Parents are liars when it comes to their kids

Those people who tell you that their kid came home from the hospital sleeping and slept every night thereafter are liars. They deserved to be high fived mind you (in the face…..with a chair). No one has that kind of success. I believe that they somehow convinced themselves of this or have forgotten it after years of sleep deprivation – which is a form of actual torture. Don’t believe anything parents tell you about the wonderfulness they had. Take everything with a grain of salt. That kind of magic or luck does not exist with children. If for some reason, you know it to be true, then you should no longer be their friend.

A friend of ours had a kid that seemed to sleep constantly. They would come over and bring the baby and we would play cards and the baby would sleep for a few hours (in a carrier). I became really resentful of them and their kid and it would ruin my card game which only pissed me off even more. Now what I don’t know is maybe this was just the regular nap time or that they went home and the baby was up all night – they wouldn’t tell us because people are liars and they knew I would probably high five them (see above). We are still friends with them but only because I pretend they have it bad at home and I accepted that they are liars (and they have way too much dirt on me to piss them off).

Once at a party I was talking to a new parent and asked how things were going. He said it was going well and that their 4 month old was sleeping through the night. I felt my blood pressure rise – why is this kid sleeping through the night already and I have a 9 month old who has no idea what sleep is and how to make it past four hours.  I was about to stand up to pick up my chair to high five him but I am not built for jail so I unfortunately have to lead a good life. So I decided to seek some clarification instead. I asked him about what kind of drugs they are using because clearly it can’t happen without that. He proceeded to tell me that they usually put her to bed at midnight and she sleeps until 4am. Now maybe you have the same look I had on my face – HUH?! That is not sleeping through the night.  In no book anywhere is that considered through the night. Then I thought – oh! He needs to say this to make himself feel better and make him look like a good parent, according to all the books. He only told me the truth because I kept prodding. Liars – they are everywhere. Put on your detective hat and get out your blinding spot lights and start interrogating. Sooner or later they will break and then you can unfriend them on Facebook - the cruelest type of punishment you likely can dish out when you are exhausted but it will still feel amazing. Let's do an evil laugh together.