TIP #9 FOR BECOMING A GUILT FREE PARENT:

You can't always get what you want
(unless you bribe them with smarties)

There is no law against bribing a child. They are not public officials, although they certainly make promises they don’t keep and like to be in the position of power. But you have to do what is necessary to cope and sometimes it means bribing. At what age, and until what age, really is up to you. But from personal experience, bribing a 3 month old doesn’t work. They can’t hold the coins and searching for pennies in poop is a disgusting job. You kind of have to wait until they negotiate a little with you - this means that they demand something and won’t back down so really it can happen pretty early I guess. 

Once our oldest was trying to master the negotiation skills we decided it was time to find out how we can get what we want.  Our answer was chocolate. And we all know how  much everyone loves chocolate. We kind of bribe ourselves as adults to get chocolate. If I eat all of these brussel sprouts I can have that dessert.  The concept works on kids too – probably through watching you force feed yourself something awful and then smiling and making yummy sounds as you devour a piece (or pieces) of cake gleefully.  As we were getting discharged from the hospital, our nurse was giving us random pieces of advice like: no sex for at least six weeks (boo!); bathe the baby regularly; get some sleep (yeah right!); and use smarties to get your  kids to do what you want. For the nurse, it was to get her boys to make sure the pee actually makes it into the toilet and not on the floor, toilet seat, wall, etc.

So we joined up on the smartie bribery train.  We told her that if she slept all night that we would give her smarties. I kept a large container of smarities in my nightside table and with my eyes still closed reached in and grabbed a couple (literally two) and tried to get another minute of shut eye while she chopped on a crunchy smartie and rubbed the dye all over our sheets. Lesson learned  - choose something that's not noisy if you are looking for some quiet time. This form of bribery worked relatively well. I sometimes gave her smarties just for sleeping until 5am because that is still a win in my book and adjusted the time as necessary (not sure what adjusted the time means). Don’t judge me - giving a 2 year old smarties at 5am is not a terrible thing – not great according to a dietitian but they aren’t living in my house. But suddenly our novice negotiator became a master. She caught on to this only two smartie approach and demanded more chocolate.  Then I moved on to kinder surprise eggs. Bad move on our part because now you have a toy and chocolate rather than just more chocolate. And it is still a noisy treat and now I also have to open up the toy container because the company made child proof toy capsules - it is for a kid! This approach worked pretty well for us.  I would go to Costco and buy the whole shelf of eggs and get in my Uhaul and drive them home. Our daughter knows where they are (which is out of reach) and then we open them in the morning. Then I proceed to pick up the foil wrapper that has managed to be torn to shreds, eat the remaining chocolate myself since she doesn’t really like it and throw out the toy because it is garbage. Worth a $2 investment – damn right it is.  Now that she is older I thought about getting rid of this process and trying something else. I thought that our love and praise would be enough for her. She asked the other night if she will get an egg but we had none left and told her I would give her six kisses and a hug in the morning and a high five and she stopped, looked at me and said “I would prefer a surprise egg please”....well I did start this journey so off I went to the convenience store at night to buy some more junk.  

With our youngest, we offer all kinds of treats for going to the potty. As she sits on the potty, she tells me all the things she wants for a treat – smarties, cheezies, and a popsicle. To be honest, I can’t really debate with her because I am just happy I don’t have to change a diaper. And she is only 2. I am not sure what kind of deals she will be trying to make at 5 or 15. I may need a new job.  A friend of mine also uses bribery for poops in the potty. Every time they go, they get a treat. Nothing big but still something to reward them for their efforts in listening, sitting, and doing the deed. They have been using this approach for a while now.  The other day the child came out of the bathroom and decided it was time for a new approach.  She looked at her mother and said “the bigger the poop, the bigger the treat?” Kids are smart.

So don’t worry about bribery. We all do it –sometimes secretly but let’s no longer shame ourselves on what we do to get what we want to. It isn’t going to mess them up.  As an adult I don’t care about getting bribed anymore to do things I don’t want to do. I mean I go to work because I really want to provide back to my economy and have satisfaction of completing something meaningful. HA! It probably might have to do with getting paid (or bribed) so that I can pay off my kinder egg bills. 

Tell me some of your tricks to get your kids to do what you want as well. Social services are not monitoring this blog I assure you.